It's been forever since I wrote a blog in here. I've missed it greatly. Life is hectic at best. There's been so much going on that I have no clue where to even start. We enjoyed our crazy-packed holiday with family this Christmas. Unfortunately there's so little time to just sit back and enjoy the holidays anymore. Ward has Christmas to New Years off as holiday, so we made the decision to come back home and enjoy that time with each other and our little boy since he would be leaving for Korea shortly thereafter.
Me and Kai moved in with my parents for the three and a half weeks that he was overseas. I was thankful to not have to be alone, and having all our family there kept me pretty distracted. It's so much more difficult when he travels overseas than when he travels here in the States because the time difference makes it very difficult for us to find times to talk...and when we could talk one of us was always almost asleep. The almost month was very stressful, but mercifully went by fairly quickly.
Unfortunately we were told while he was in Korea that he would be leaving for Saudi Arabia again just a few weeks after he got home. He's finally home now, and will be until after our daughter is born in June. However, he's been gone almost as much as he's been home so far this year, so we're still adjusting to him being back home and getting back into our routines and life as we know it.
In the meantime, Kai is getting big. He loves to read books. It's his very favorite thing, next to the Backyardigans of course. He's getting to be quite the little dancer and does all kinds of amusing moves for us when we play music. When we go to a restaruant that is playing music, he'll even dance in his high chair. He knows most of his farm animal sounds and will point to the correct animal when you ask him. He still loves to play with blocks, but his newest love is his kickball. He's getting quite good at kicking the ball around the house and will play a pretty good game with you if you're willing. It's amazing how quickly he's growing up.
Kaytie is growing too. We're in our third trimester now. Only a couple more months until we get to meet her. I have serious concerns for the next few weeks. Already we've been in the hospital once for back pain and preterm labor symptoms. I had hoped that perhaps those problems were exclusive to my pregnancy with Kai, but the doctors seem to think that my body just doesn't react well to the third trimester of pregnancy. I'm prone to uterine irritability which, if not monitored closely, can lead to stronger contractions and preterm labor. Exactly what happened last time. The fact that the symptoms started earlier this time than even last time is slightly discouraging.
I've found that it's much more difficult this time around however because I have to think about Kai. It hadn't really occured to me before our experience at 33 weeks with Kai that I may have to stay in the hospital for an extended period of time. I now realize that is a distinct possibility. We may be incredibly fortunate and not have any more problems, but the possibility is there that I could end up facing weeks in the antepartum unit. That never really crossed my mind with Kai. But now I feel the overwhelming sense of urgency to have everything in order as quickly as possible. I've spent the past few days obsessing over getting everything organized, documented and in one place to make things easier for Ward, should he have to run everything without me. I've also been spending as much time with Kai as I possibly can because the thought of having to be without him for any length of time is devestatingly hard.
However, through all of the struggles and ups and downs of the past few months, I have learned some valuable things about myself, and Ward and I have learned valuable things together. I've been able to really focus on the character trait of courage lately. Perhaps one of the most important things that I have learned is that courage is not the absence of fear. It is feeling the fear and continuing on anyway. Never has this trait been so important to me as in the past few months.
Also Ward and I have learned a good deal of assertiveness and patience. We've learned that we have to make whatever choices are best for our family, no matter what the consequences of that. We have to decide what values to live by, and what things are important and revolved our lives around those things. This has not been an easy lesson to learn by any stretch of the imagination. In fact, due to our lack of assertiveness prior to this time in our lives, it has been one of the most difficult lessons to learn. Ward has been learning a great deal of this quality at work. I, on the other hand, have always been an assertive person by nature. It runs in the family. However, I've gained a lot of practice in when it's best to smother that assertiveness and when it's just downright dangerous to do so.
By and large, I've found that I'm most unhappy when I am untrue to myself, my character, my personality. And unfortunately, I have been that quite a bit in the past couple of years. I've thought myself to be a bit too "rough around the edges" and tried so desperately to make other happy, supressing my desires and hiding a lot of hurt and resentment. However, making yourself into something you aren't only leads to misery. I've found this first hand. I have resented greatly having some people with whom I can be completely open and honest, the way I inherently am. I can say what I'm thinking without having to sugarcoat it. If I have a problem with them, I tell them about it and get it over with. And I don't sacrifice my wants or desires or anything that I believe because I think they want me to. This is when I'm most happy. When I'm dealing with those people around whom I can be myself. Even when I'm having a disagreement with those people, it's easier because I'm able to say what I need to say and move on.
However, when I feel unable to say something, unable to express hurt or injustice, unable to be open and honest, I am miserable. And the misery compounds itself as the days, weeks, months, years go on, until I feel as though a part of me has died. I'm not me around those people. I'm not being true to myself. I so desperately want to handle things the way I would with anyone else, but struggle to do so.
And so, I have found that being true to myself and my personality is of upmost importance to my happiness and that of my family. I don't believe that I should have to treat any one person differently than another. In fact I'm directly opposed to that idea altogether. I've always prided myself on being someone who treated everyone the same no matter who they were or where they came from. And I've fallen away from that to a certain extent. No more. I've finished trying to please people. I've finished trying to change who I am in order to keep the peace. Those who have been exposed only to my "tamer" side may find the switch to be disturbing, but such is life. I am who I am. Take it or leave it, quite honestly I couldn't care less either way. I have a family who loves me and who has loved me with all of my frankness, boldness and stubborness. I have a husband who loves me and appreciates my tendencies to "tell it like it is". And I have a little boy whom I believe needs to understand that no one should make you change who you are and no one deserves to be treated any differently than anyone else, no matter who they are. If you can't be the same person around all people, you need to seriously reconsider who it is that you actually are.
And so I return back to the way I've been for the majority of my life. I will no longer by swayed or intimidated by anyone. If you don't like it, tough...it's who I am.
