I have said many times that I was so thankful for a God who loved me just as I am, but loved me too much to leave me that way. As I was thinking back over the past year, or even past few years this thanksgiving, I realized that God's grace in not allowing me to stay as I was is very evident. I don't want to at all sound as though I am bragging, because the journey has been painful and I can claim no credit for my growth. It is only by the grace of God that I have seen these changes in my life and perspective. But I want to share just how God has provided and worked on me recently.
Seven years ago I was losing my grandpa to cancer. He was in a lot of pain, and he was one of my very best friends. And I was angry. Really angry. I remember in his last days that people would come to the house and want to pray with our family and I would leave the room because it made me so angry that they would continue to talk to a God who wasn't fixing my problem, who was allowing my Papa to suffer.
His death was traumatic for our entire family. It was a very long, painful ordeal. I had nightmares almost every night for months. I was still in college, trying to finish up my degree and had just gotten married. As I began my senior year, they decided that our entire senior class would be studying the topic of death for the entire year. I was in total disbelief. Here I was trying to escape the memories of death and now they were going to force me to study it for an entire year??
They made us go on a retreat and watch a movie that depicted someone dying a horrible, painful death from cancer. I had a complete breakdown and Ward had to come get me. The nightmares resumed in force. Honestly, I'm not sure I've ever forgiven the college for that. I was so angry and slipping into a pretty serious depression. How could a "Christian" college make me relive that kind of pain? Weren't they supposed to be comforting, supportive, compassionate? How could they? I was even more angry with God.
Then in December I got pregnant. We were so thrilled that finally we had something to really be excited about. We bought little baby clothes and painted the nursery. Then in February I lost the baby. I felt like the whole world was crashing down around me. I was in my last semester of college. I went to several individuals within the college and begged them to let me do something other than the "death class". But they insisted that I couldn't be exempted and that I had to finish it to graduate.
I was devastated. This was so unfair. Why was life so hard? Why was God not listening to me? Was there even a God at all? I decided at this point that if there was a God, he was cruel and I wanted nothing to do with him.
But God loved me in spite of my foolishness and selfishness and in spite of my bitterness toward Him. He loved me exactly like I was, but loved me too much to leave me that way. He gave me a wonderful, faithful husband and an amazing church family that slowly dragged me out of my selfish way of thinking.
Seven years later, I have had what has undoubtedly been the most challenging year of my life. Multiple illnesses, Kaytie's asthma, an incredibly tense and dangerous pregnancy, the possibility of losing my own life and having to say goodbye to my children and husband, a painful recovery and less than ideal birth, having a child in the NICU, post pregnancy complications that have dragged on for four months, and then finding my baby suffocated in his bed and having to do CPR to revive him...it's been one thing after another all year long. And yet, my faith has remained. In fact, in stark contrast to the trials of a few years ago, my faith has grown immeasurably.
Many people have said how they feel so sorry for me and that they just think it's horribly unfair that I've had to go through all of this- that I don't deserve it. And seven years ago, that's exactly what I thought too. But it startled me to realize that this thought had never crossed my mind this year. My immediate thought upon hearing this was "you've got it all wrong."
You see, I am a wretched person. Really. I've rebelled and gone against what I've known to be right. I've questioned God and blamed him for everything bad in life- ignoring the fact that this is a fallen world we live in and the consequences for our sin is death. God is absolutely perfect. He can't associate with imperfection because it is contrary to his character. And it broke his heart that we would live apart from him and in such pain. He was willing to give his son to take our place. We didn't deserve that kind of grace. No one made him do it. He did it because he loved us just like we were and to bring glory to himself.
As I've realized just how undeserving I am to have a God who cares about me and for me, I have gained a new appreciation and outlook on my circumstances. The world sees that I'm sick...I see that I have been given doctors, knowledge and technology to find a solution.
The world sees that I had to tell my husband and babies goodbye...I see that it wasn't goodbye. Only God could have allowed me to live. He loves me.
The world sees that I had a painful recovery...I see that I had a recovery. In less recent times, all women in my situation would have been doomed to die. He loves me.
The world sees that I have undergone test after test and I'm tired. Yes, I'm tired. But I'm blessed because these tests are not only showing what needs to be done for me to be alright, but also what God is doing to make me alright. His healing has been miraculous, even by medical standards. He loves me.
The world sees that my baby suffocated in his crib...I see that he's grinning at me today. Only God could have made it so that I turned on his monitor even though he wasn't going to sleep...that I had the monitor in the first place...that I knew how to do CPR...that I was able to get him to breathe again. He loves me. Trial after trial...sure...miracle after miracle...absolutely.
So while everyone thinks that I'm so undeserving of these many difficulties, I see that I am so undeserving of this many miracles. Why God has loved me so much that he has chosen to show his power so obviously in our lives this year, I do not understand. I certainly don't deserve it. So looking back over this year I am so thankful for the change in my perspective. And I am so thankful that my God loved me exactly like I was, but loved me too much to leave me that way.
