we haven't got that kind of time

Sometimes we need to be reminded just how short our time on earth is. My devotions this morning were on that very fact, about our lives and making sure that they matter. I was working today and found a gig writing personal stories...touching stories. I contemplated this for awhile and spent some time going over the important stories in my life. There were far more than I expected. It's really quite amazing everything my life has entailed. But it got me really thinking about my Papa. Most people have that moment...that single moment when they're told they have cancer and everything changes. And he may have had that moment, but I was too young. I don't remember him being diagnosed. He lived with the cancer for 13 years. It didn't seem so terrible until I got older and the realization slowly dawned on me that the cancer might take him from me. Once that realization hit, there simply wasn't enough time. No matter how many hours I spent with him, no matter how many vacations, how many games of chess, how many long drives or tv shows curled up on the couch with a bowl of popcorn...it was never enough.
It was my first personal glimpse at the frailty of life. There just wasn't enough time. And so things that mattered to other people my age just didn't matter to me. I hated living in a girl's dorm. So much drama over this guy or that guy, who said what to who. And all I could think was, "we just haven't got that kind of time." People would argue over stupid things and see who could hurt each other worse. But to me, we didn't have that kind of time. People often tried to drag me into it, I hated every minute. I didn't have time to deal with the stupid drama. It was irrelevant. Didn't anyone get it? They were throwing around people's feelings, their relationships, like they were nothing! Didn't they see that there just wasn't time for that? There may not be tomorrow to apologize for that! Do it now! There's not enough time!
I remember on a couple of occassions in college, some girl would write to me stirring up drama because I was friends with some guy she liked. And every time I would roll my eyes and think, "sweetie, you're wasting your time...and you haven't got time to waste." what do you want said about you after you're gone...not that line that they'll feed your family at your funeral, but what they'll REALLY say about you...that people liked you...everyone liked you...that you were kind and patient...that you truely cared about other people...or that you were jealous...intimidated...rude...cold...uncaring...mean...petty...but gee you could sure run your mouth with the best of them! wow...people there's just not enough time for that!
every relationship you have on this earth...good, bad, ugly, fair, unfair is there for a reason! every one! every single person was put into your life for a reason. there's something there for you to learn. learn it! because we haven't got time for the pettiness. we haven't got time for the lies and cruelty. we haven't got time for the drama. we haven't got time to whine about the things we have to do. we haven't got time to brag about how special we are and how much everyone likes us. scripture says not to praise yourself, to let others do it. and if they aren't doing it as much as you would like, perhaps you need to reevaluate your actions and attitudes because chances are there's a reason!
we have three rules in our house. one is that we never go to sleep angry. never. we always say i love you before we fall asleep. two is that ward never leaves for work angry. if there is any problem at all, it must be solved before we go to sleep or go our separte ways. and always part with i love you. and the third is that the word "divorce" is never used in our home. ever. because it isn't an option and because life's too short for petty fights and saying things we don't mean. i know all too well that one morning you can wake up and realize that you don't have another day. time's up on that relationship. there's nothing more you can do.
every relationship has value. every relationship is important to your life whether you like it or not. and if you were wise, you'd take every opportunity (even if it means swallowing your pride...or at least chewing on it) to make sure that you've done the very best you can in every opportunity and that you have done nothing that the other person can hold against you. no wrong for which you haven't asked forgiveness. no opportunity to be a friend that you passed up. you can't just continue on living life in a moment, worried about silly, ridiculous things...we just haven't got that kind of time.

chosen

Sometimes in life we get a bit discouraged...our self-worth begins to deteriorate and we feel completely overwhelmed and even intimidated by all our obiligations and responsibilities. To us, we just seem inadequate.
But when I find myself in such a mood (not nearly so often anymore) I have learned a valuable lesson that I sit down and remind myself of.
I was chosen. I was chosen to perform the tasks that I am doing...for all my responsibilities...I was chosen. No one else.
Of course my parents did not get to pick me out of a catalog or any such thing...but they chose to have a child. They chose to love and care for that child. They chose to invest so much into my future, paying for me to go to a non-public school in high school and investing a ton of money, time and energy into my college education. They chose to teach me everything I would need to know, so that when the time came that I was chosen for other responsibilities, I would be prepared.
God also chose me in this way. Scriptures says that we do not choose God, He chooses us. In fact, he chose us before the foundation of the world. So one can assume He's had some time to think about it. He has chosen me and given me specific talents, interests and abilities. He has guided every step of my life and every decision I have made and has made me, and continues to make me, into what He desires me to be.
I was chosen to have a developer strength, an almost crippling at times sense of compassion. I was chosen to be opinionated, strong, a communicator. I was chosen notice the needs of others, usually before they can open their mouth to ask for help. I was chosen to have a strong sense of intuition...the kind that wakes you in the middle of the night and drives you to your knees in prayer for someone or somthing. I was chosen to have a thirst for knowledge and the things of God. I was chosen to have a deep love for competition. I was chosen to be born into a family with unbelieveable amounts of loyalty, devotion and love. I did not just "get" these things...I was chosen to receive them for a purpose...because God knew that I would need them all in order to do the work He has for me to accomplish.
I was chosen to receive the education that I did and all the work and responsibilities that came along with it. Not everyone gets into college...especially not traditional school...I was chosen and with that came the realization that I would have four years of hard work to do to complete my degree.
My friends chose me. Now of course I'd love to say I chose them...because then I could brag about what good taste I have. *smile* But in all honesty...they chose me. They have stayed by my side...most of them for YEARS. Many of them since grade school. They are so precious to me and I am so thankful that they have chosen me.
Ward chose me. He patiently waited for me for years. Zach said in his toast at our wedding to look at how Ward gets things. He never just goes out and buys something. He waits around and gets the very best. And that he had done the same thing looking for a wife. Now I'm not saying I'm the very best...and I'm not saying that that's what Zach even meant. But what he did mean, and what is true, is that Ward chose me. He chose to love me when it was hard. He chose to love me when we weren't even together. He chose to love and be faithful to me for years before we were dating. And when faced with a direct decision between myself and another girl...he chose me. He chose me to be his wife. He chose me to be the one he comes home to every night, to be the one he falls asleep with and the one he wakes up to, to make his meals, to be the mother of his children.
Yes, I have a lot of responsibilities, but they are all because I was chosen to do them...someone believed I was the best person for the job. And sometimes all we need is to realize that the responsibilities that we have are a reward for our character, a blessing, and an entrustment. To whom much is given, much is expected.

How Else Can I Prove I Love You?

We had an amazing service this morning at church. Pastor John preached one of those sermons where everyone ends up crying, himself included. But he really made me think and appreciate the trials in my life in a whole new way. He was preaching on God's extravegant love for us. The more you study, and read, and even attempt to grasp this love, the more amazing it is. It is absolutely unfathomable. Scripture often refers to it as a flood, and Pastor John gave us the illustration that our lives are like valleys...and there are mountains all around us and God's love is like water continually raining down on the mountains and pouring into the valley, flooding every part, even the lowest areas. And it's a continual flood, it never stops.
The more pastor talked the more things in life started to make sense. I was so overwhelmed by God's incredible love for me. J. I. Packer in his book "Knowing God" says that "everything that happens to us is an expression of God's love." This to me was an amazing concept. EVERYTHING that happens, is because of God's love for us...the good and the bad. As Pastor said, every time he asked God "why?" he received the answer "because I love you."
And that was the moment when it hit me. He's right. All this time I thought I went through hard times just to make me a stronger person, or to help someone else...but that's not all. He brought me into those situations because He loves me.
Why did I have to experience things that made me lose my trust in people? Because He loves me. Why did I have to be mistreated in a relationship? Because He loves me. Why did I go through so many health problems when I was in high school and college? Because He loves me. Why did people try to destroy my marriage? Because He loves me. Why did my best friend have to get cancer? Because He loves me. Why on earth did I have to watch my Papa die? Because He loves me. Why did I have to witness such extreme suffering? Because He loves me. Why did I have to sit through constant reminders in a required class on death right after losing him? Because He loves me. Why did some people judge me and say horrible things about me when they didn't know me? Because He loves me. Why did I have to struggle with depression? Because He loves me. Why did I have to question my faith, literally want to chuck my Bible across the room and declare it all an evil joke? Because He loves me. Why did I have to lose our first child? Because He loves me. Why did I have to deal with cruel people who rejoiced in my pain, showed no compassion, tried to make the situation as painful as possible and even implied that I was to blame for the death of our child? Because He loves me. Why did I have to endure the preterm labor, the fear that I would lose our second child as well, the physical anguish that came with it? Because He loves me. Wow.
Now how can I say that all of those terrible things were because of His love for me? Because of what I learned this morning. God WANTS us to lose control. He WANTS us to not understand. He wants us to be confused and lost and for it not to make any sense. Why? Because only then can we realize that we don't have it all figured out and we never will. Only then can we become so broken that we have no choice but to look to him. And only then does He have the opportunity to show His amazing power and love and to envelop us in a "peace that passes all understanding."
How else can He prove that He loves me? If I never see the need for His love, then the beauty of it is lost on me. If I never struggle and hurt and experience the pain of an imperfect and unjust world, then how can I ever realize the justice and perfection of God?
I'm not sure if this makes much sense to everyone reading it. It was mostly for my own benefit to write it out, because now, it makes sense to me. I'm sorry if it still doesn't make sense to you. And I pray someday it will. But I now understand that had I not gone through times of being broken, treated unfairly, hurting...then I wouldn't be able to witness the true depth of His peace, love and comfort. I can now understand that I cannot lean on my own understanding but must trust Him to always do what is best for me out of His extreme love for me.
As I came to this realization sitting in church today I could feel that flood of love. I could truely experience it in all its glory...rushing in to fill every part. I can now completely understand why I should "praise him in the storm"...because how else can He prove He loves me?

Flooding my heart...

Knowing You, Jesus. Knowing You. There is no greater thing. You're my all. You're the best. You're my joy, my righteousness. And I love you LORD.

-a favorite hymn

The last to be chosen are the first He will call...

My studies this week have been on the Israelite judges. The focus has been mostly on Samson, Deborah and Gideon. As I was studying the story of Gideon and his leadership of the Israelites against the Mideanites, I noticed an interesting part of the passage, that I guess I never really paid attention to before. I knew from having read the passage several times in the past that Gideon was from the weakest family in Israel. And he was the least of all his family. And yet God still used him. And that's a nice concept...God being able to use a weak, humble person to accomplish something great. Isn't that nice of God? But I had missed a crucial part of the story. When Gideon was working (while hiding from the Mideanites in a winepress...brave huh?) and the angel of the Lord appeared to him, the angel referred to him as "a mighty man of valor". huh? So here's this guy hiding in a winepress from Israel's enemies, he's never done anything wonderful, he's from the weakest family in all of Israel and the angel calls him a "mighty man of valor"? Why? What could he have possibly done to deserve that title. Then it hit me...nothing. He did nothing. But he was absolutely a mighty man of valor. And not because of anything he'd done...he didn't earn that title by what he did, but by who he was. God didn't care that he hadn't done anything spectacular yet in his life. He didn't care that he was considered weak by those around him. He saw Gideon for who he has and not what he'd done and he saw a mighty man whom He would use to save Israel. The comforting thing about this passage?? God does not base his view of us upon what things we've accomplished in life. He sees deep within us to who we really are and who we really can be. Developer is my top strength according to StrengthsQuest...those with the strength of developer see people almost never for what they are...but always for what they can be. They see the deep potential in people and only gain satisfaction when they see that person become all they knew they could be. After reading this passage I realized, God has amazing "developer strengths". haha. He sees us for who we are...our assets...what we can be, never for our failures or accomplishments. Personally, my developer strength is also my greatest weakness. I tend to see good in people and because that's all I see, I end up subjecting myself to a lot of unnecessary hurt, because although those people do have good within them...I can see it....they don't realize their own abilities to be all they can be...they aren't willing to change...to become the people that they can be...and so they stay in the same miserable position and in turn make those around them miserable. I'm sure God must feel the same way sometimes. He sees us all as the amazing people He created us to be, then watches us blow it on our own selfishness and inability to turn from sin and live the life He wants for us. For me, this passage of Scripture was so comforting because it doesn't matter if there are days I can't get everything done. It doesn't matter if I can't finish laundry because Kai is in the basket. ;) Or if I fail to squeeze enough accomplishments into my day to satisfy my perfectionist side. God doesn't see me for what I've accomplished anyway. He sees me for who I truely am. He sees the real me, who's just doing the best I can and seeking Him with all that is in me. What an amazing God...and what an inspiration to continue to cherish my developer strength for all the good it has done, rather than resent it for all the hurt it's caused...because in the end, the good FAR outweighs the bad. A wonderful lesson I've been blessed to learn.

the ever-changing walk...

Through the years, my walk with the Lord has changed and adapted depending on my circumstances. There have been high times and there have been valleys of course, as in any walk of faith. Some years I had group studies several times a week and Bible courses in school, so I only did personal devotions for a few minutes each morning before school. When my classes got earlier, they switched to before bed. When I was in college I no longer considered my Biblical studies courses to be an essential part of my daily walk, but yet they often complimented the studies I was doing on my own. Now I'm on my own in a way. I no longer have a group study several times a week. I'm not taking any Biblical studies courses (which by the way is quite odd for me since I've been taught scripture in a class setting since I was three years old).
So for now, I've found the best way to keep myself focused and in the Word is to set aside time three times a day. It seems to work best that way for me. I have a quick morning devotion (good for times when I'm not quite functioning yet.) This is just a quick devotional and a verse to focus on through the morning. Then after lunch, when Kai goes down for his nap, I have a slightly more in depth devotion. Usually this is topical and has a thought for the day and several passages of scripture, usually from both the old and new testament. Finally, before bed I have a more in depth study...which I really enjoy. This one is more expository and works its way through the Bible. Being able to keep myself focused and in the Word throughout the day keeps me sure that my mind and heart are in the right place, gives me plenty of opportunity to seek God's face and make sure that I'm doing what He wants me to do, to refresh myself and "refuel" so to speak...giving myself that extra boost when the day wears on, and finally, it challanges me...which is a big deal right now since I'm no longer in school. I have to be continuing to learn and challange myself or I'd go crazy. The in depth studies help me in this area, as well as conversations with my husband about what we're learning or the little details of scripture, that when read quickly, often get overlooked.
I have three separate books that I use for each time. And it never ceases to amaze me how each one seems to speak to me exactly when I need it. When I've had a rough morning, the afternoon devotion always addresses the issue I'm facing. And I've also noticed that several times, all three books...even though they are all written by different authors and using diffent passages...will focus on the exact same topic and passage at the same time. Never coincidence. So amazing.
I am amazed at the way that the Lord always gives me exactly what I need, exactly when I need it. Every day that I seek him, I find Him more captivating than the day before. People don't give God near the credit that they should. They don't fear him the way they should. I've noticed a lot recently how people love to use God so flipantly. They either joke about Him, and don't take him seriously at all...or they carry him around in this little box to "use in case of emergency". They have no idea the awesome power that they are dealing with. In my evening studies I've been studying the exodus of the Israelites. They loved God when He was giving them something good, when He was forgiving them for their stupidity...but as soon as they were forgiven, as soon as life started being good again, they immediately turned away again. Anyone who has studied the plight of the Israelites knows this was perhaps not the best mentality to have.
God demands that we follow Him, not just when it's easy, and not just when we need Him...all the time. God does not forgive you and bless you to glorify you...He does it to glorify Him. The glorification of God as the main theme of all creation has been the focus of the past few months for me. It's amazing how much your outlook on life changes when you start to see things through the mindset of glorifying God. He truely is magnificent...and worthy of glory.

A good dose of pride

"We sleep safe in our beds because rough men stand ready in the night to visit violence on those who would do us harm." - Orwell

I took my husband to work today. Just because we wanted the extra few hours together. As often happens, the F-15s were taking off as we approached the airport. Very few things captivate me with such awe as watching the F-15s play. They are amazing machines.

Again, as often happens, we heard them before we saw them. As I was scanning the sky looking for the planes I said "I wonder how nervous that must make you if you're in an enemy country...to hear them and not be able to find them." And my husband said "If you hear it, you're probably safe. By the time you hear it or see it, if you were going to be hit you would have been already."

So amazing. When we were watching an airshow last summer we were discussing how awe-inspiring it is for us to watch it without the "wet down your leg" effect it must have on our enemies. Such an awesome display of power.

We watched as three jets took off. I dropped my husband off at work and started back home just in time to see the chaser take off a few minutes later. And I started to think about the plane...and about the pilot. It has to be a serious rush to fly that thing. Besides it's awesome power, just the fact that you're responsible for a multi-million dollar aircraft in battle. It's all you.

Watching the F-15s makes me feel such an overwhelming sense of pride in my country. Then I think of the pilot and I feel an overwhelming sense of pride for our military. They are incredible. Then I think of my husband, how every hour that he's gone from me and our son, he's working to protect the lives of those pilots...and I have that same overwhelming sense of pride in him. I serve an amazing God, live in an amazing country, protected by the best military on earth and love the most amazing man I've ever known and am the mother of his child. As the song says..."that's something to be proud of."

but how do you know?

My daddy is having surgery right now. I wish I were there. We spent all weekend in Decatur. My dad, grandma and uncle have all been in the same hospital. I'm so thankful that everyone seems to be doing fairly well...except daddy. He's been in extreme pain all morning. But the doctors have said that after his surgery, he should be able to go home...today! After a week in the hospital, it will sure feel good to be home I'm sure.

It seems like when life gets hectic and hard, it all happens at once. My husband wasn't going to let me go to the hospital to see my dad because he was so afraid that it would bring back all the trauma from the last week of my grandpa's life. I was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress syndrom after that ordeal and although I believe I've mostly overcome it now, he was quite worried that it would all rush back seeing my dad in so much pain.

However, this time has been different. For several obvious reasons. My dad is going to be ok. Yeah, this is hard...and I suppose (God forbid) some horrible freak thing could happen. But as far as we know, he going to be fine. He'll go home, go back to work, and play with his grandson again. But the deeper reason is, I no longer doubt the awesome power and peace of God.

So many times people question (including myself a few years ago) how do you know that God is really there...and even if he is, hos do you know he cares? It's a tough question to answer, especially when you're going through hard times. But for me, I know because I've seen it. I've felt it. I just know. I have seen the amazing ways that God has used horrible circumstances in my life. I've seen the way I've been able to help friends in ways no one else could because of my own painful experiences. And I've seen the way that God has provided for me, surrounding me with amazing people at just the right times...my angels. I may not be able to "prove" God...but trust me, He's there, He's real, He cares...there's nothing that I know to be more true.

the greatest things in life are free

I've spent the better part of the morning this morning sitting in the middle of my kitchen floor with my little boy. we explored cabinets and emptied the contents, turned bowls upside down and banged on them with wooden spoons, colored pictures for daddy and scattered all of mommy's cookie cutters to see all the cool shape (he especially liked the dinosaur). normally, i hate to make a mess in my house. but i didn't even care how much work it would be to clean it up. it was one of the most fun mornings i've had in a long time. we just spent hours together, exploring and learning and just playing. sure, the kitchen is trashed...and i have a lot of dishes to wash now, but i don't mind. moments like that with my baby boy are irreplaceable and something i'll get to cherish forever. it is true...the greatest things in life are free.

before i was a mom...

♥ Before I was a Mom I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby. ♥
♥ I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous.
♥ I never thought about immunizations. ♥
♥ Before I was a Mom - I had never been puked on. ♥
♥ Pooped on. ♥
♥ Chewed on. ♥
♥ Peed on. ♥
♥ I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts. ♥
♥ I slept all night. ♥
♥ Before I was a Mom I never held down a screaming child so doctors could do tests. ♥
♥ Or give shots. ♥
♥ I never looked into teary eyes and cried. ♥
♥ I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin. ♥
♥ I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep. ♥
♥ Before I was a Mom I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put them down.♥
♥ I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt. ♥
♥ I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much. ♥
♥ I never knew that I could love someone so much. ♥
♥ I never knew I would love being a Mom. ♥
♥ Before I was a Mom - I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body. ♥
♥ I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby. ♥
♥ I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child. ♥
♥ I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important and happy. ♥
♥ Before I was a Mom - I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay. ♥
♥ I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache, the wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom. ♥
♥ I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much before I was a Mom. ♥


Not all of these are exactly true in my case...I babysat very frequently when I was younger and experienced many of the "nastier" things mentioned in this poem. I haven't lost a ton of sleep at night since he's been born...only when I was pregnant- I could never sleep when I was pregnant. And I knew I would love being a mom. Ward always told me, even back in high school, that I was made to be a mom. And I'm certainly not a perfect mom, but it is definately the most fulfilling thing I've ever done. That little guy is my whole world. I can't wait to see his adorable smiling face in the mornings. I love watching him shove cherrios in his mouth. It makes me giggle when he blows raspberries at daddy or crawls on the dog. He makes me so proud when he accomplishes something new. There's nothing in the world I'd rather do than to be a mom. It's one of the many things that no one can truely understand until they've experienced it. I have been known to cry when I see his big crocodile tears when he doesn't feel good. I've been known to spend way too much money on toys, books and clothes. But he's just so perfect. He's so sweet and innocent and just precious. His daddy is the only one who I could ever love more. God's gifts are so good.

What makes you tick?

I recently saw an interesting quote. It said "Tell me what ticks you off and I'll tell you what makes you tick." So it got me thinking. And I wondered first of all if that were true, and second of all if it is true, then what is it that makes me tick? After considering many individuals I know, and also myself I think that while it may not always be true, there is definately truth to it. So what does that mean? What things make me tick?

I started thinking about what ticks me off. The first thing that came to mind was arrogance. Arrogant people are completely intolerable to me. I cannot stand someone who thinks more highly of themselves than others. I easliy lose patience with the guy who brags about how wonderful an athlete he is, how much money he makes, what kind of car he drives, how many girls he's dated, or how tough he is. Or the girl who brags about how pretty she is, how skinny she is, how popular she is.

So then I wondered why it is that arrogant people make me so angry. And I believe it's because it is such a blantant form of self-centeredness. Arrogant people care only for themselves. They are bent on glorifying themselves and do not care whom they hurt along the way.

As I thought about many other things that tick me off, I realized that they all come back to selfishness. In fact, I believe that selfishness is the true root of all evil. Other things that tick me off include injustice, abortion, laziness, neglect of children, dishonesty, disloyalty, people who interfere in others' relationships, people who cannot be faithful in their own relationships, hypocrites, the self-righteous, and even those Christians who believe that their salvation, forgiveness, etc is deserved or for their own benefit.

Nothing exists but for the glorification of God. His mercy to us, in our miserable selfishness, is not for out benefit, but for His glory. If we didn't spend so much time wrapped up in ourselves, if we pursued a life that glorified Christ, if we truely cared enough to really love others the way Christ would have no matter the cost to ourselves, if we stood against the injustice of the world as passionately as we promote ourselves, the world would be a much better place in which to live, and more importantly, God would be glorified.

This, the pursuit of these things, is what makes me tick.