Mommyhood: Train up a Child

You know the child. You can probably think of three off the top of your head. The one who runs the show. They get absolutely everything their little heart desires. They wouldn't have any idea what to do if someone actually told them no, as evidenced by the screaming fit they break into if someone even hesitates in fulfilling their demands. No one likes being around these children. And you aren't doing your child any favors by allowing them to behave that way.

Here's a "dirty laundry" moment for you. We have been known to avoid some people and situations simply because we can't bear the thought of having to be around a child that we know will be there. A disobedient, disrespectful, obnoxious child is like a case of chicken pox...agonizing and something you want to avoid at all costs.

We all know that, but doing something about it seems difficult. We don't want to squelch the poor little dear's creativity or spirit, right? That's what the "experts" say. Society says give your child what they want, let them be kids. We want them to "experience" all the "fun" things in life. And I'm all for that. I do my best to delight my children as much as possible. I want to make precious memories with them. But I'm noticing that so many people who are raising children nowadays are doing just that...raising children...20 year old children, 30 year old children, 40 year old children. I want my children to enjoy childhood, but I'm not trying to raise a "good kid", I'm trying to raise responsible adults.

I've talked in this blog before about giving children responsibility, but let's talk about child training a minute.  I read a book recently that put the Biblical command to "train up a child in the way he should go" into a whole different light for me. Training is not synonymous with discipline. Training is something that should be an every day thing. You can't expect a child to obey if you've never made them obey, if you've never trained them to obey.

Train for action. Discipline for attitude. Obeying with a bad attitude is just as bad as disobeying. I've seen 2 year olds with more attitude than a 50 year old mob boss. Stay after your kid's hearts. They may not get things right all the time, but if they're genuinely trying, don't discipline them. Just gently correct. You don't want to discourage a good attitude. This is especially important when you have small children. They're just learning boundaries, authority, etc.

Instant obedience is something we're constantly working on around here. Some think that it's over the top or some kind of "authoritarian parenting" that requires a child to obey instantly. I disagree. All children should be required to obey immediately, no matter what the reason. One of the phrases I hated most as a teenager was "because I said so." I always thought that shouldn't be a good enough reason. But that attitude showed a disrespect for authority and a lack of trust that my parents wanted what was best for me. And it's impossible for a disrespectful or distrusting attitude to inhabit one area of your life without seeping its way into another.

When our children are small, instant obedience may be a safety issue. If you tell your child "STOP" when they're about to run out into traffic, you have to know that they will immediately stop. You don't have time to explain why it's in their best interest to stop. They just have to obey.

But perhaps the most important reason for demanding instant obedience from our children is because, to small children, we are the example of authority in their lives, and their view of authority will translate into the way they view the authority of God. Instant obedience isn't only a trait that children should possess, but also adult believers. Sometimes God tells us to do something and we have a really great argument for why we might have a better way. We don't understand why He's telling us to do something. But we need to obey, regardless of the reasoning. Do you trust your God enough to obey and know that He's acting in your best interest? Do you want your child to trust you enough to do them same? Train them to trust you.

I've been told before that it's unbelieveable that I can take three little ones under four to the store and accomplish my shopping. I can't understand how anyone can stand to be stuck at home because they have small children that they can't take out in public. My kids know they have to stay right with me. They don't run around the store, because they've never been permitted to. Once or twice early on in their "walking" years they'd wander down an aisle. I would stop, make them come back and put their hand back on the cart. Yep, those trips took a little longer then. Now they know exactly what's expected of them, and they don't usually give me any trouble.

Now, they aren't angel children. When people ask me if my kids are always "that good" I tell them, "no, but neither am I." Aren't we all a work in progress? It's unfair to discipline a child who doesn't know what's expected of them. It's even more unfair not to discipline or train a child at all. Our goal is not to raise a "happy child", but a responsible and content adult.

I'm certainly no expert in parenting. I can only make opinion based on my beliefs and my experience. What are your biggest child-rearing difficulties? Any advice you'd like to share that you've learned in your parenting or child care experience? There's a whole lot of mommas out there who'd love to have a bit of encouragement, so do share! Mine would be to delight your children, let them be children, but don't write bad behavior off as "being a child". Correct it consistently and see if you don't enjoy being with your children a whole lot more. :)