It's August 2nd. When I was a little girl, this day was exciting because it was the day before my birthday. (I guess once you get to a certain age, birthdays just aren't as exciting anymore.) I would be anxiously awaiting tomorrow, probably wouldn't sleep- which could have been because I knew that my mommy or daddy would be making me a stack of delicious pancakes or something else wonderful for breakfast. ;)
I'm not all that excited about turning 27. Big deal. The weirdest thing is knowing that it was 7 years ago that Ward gave me a beautiful ring and asked me to be his wife. Hard to top that for a birthday. :) But today I'm a bundle of nerves anxiously awaiting tomorrow for a very different reason.
Tomorrow we head to the hospital for the tests that will decide quite possibly what the rest of our lives look like. I'm excited, of course, to see my little guy on ultrasound. I'm definately ready to have some "final plan" for this baby's birth. But tomorrow decides more than whether we meet this baby this week or three weeks from now. It also may decide whether or not we have a preemie baby or get to bring him home when he's born, whether or not we have a "normal" c-section, and possibly whether or not we ever have more children.
To say that I'm nervous is an understatement. I'm so ready for tomorrow to get here. It feels like all the what-ifs of the past few months have been building up to this and hopefully tomorrow we'll know the answers to some of those questions.
Honestly, I could care less that tomorrow I'll be another year older, but we're making a really big deal about my birthday this year, for the sake of the kids. It really is a perfect distraction for them. Kai especially has struggled a lot the past couple of weeks. He knows that mommy is not ok, but he doesn't understand why. He's terrified of leaving me. He doesn't even like me to go downstairs or to the bathroom without telling him how long I'll be gone. He told me today that "I think I just want mommy to be all better." That's rough.
I've tried not to think about the risks, about the "worst case scenario". I've tried really hard to stay positive and not allow myself to let my mind wander down the scarier paths. But honestly, no matter how hard you try, it's always this nagging little voice in the back of your mind.
Do I believe that everything will turn out alright...that my God is bigger than these problems...that he has a plan for everything regardless of whether it's what I want? Yes. Absolutely. But the fact of the matter is that we live in a fallen world, and the uncertainty and hurt are just facts of life. I don't know what will happen. I do know that within the next couple of weeks, it will all be over, one way or another. All could go perfectly, all could go horribly, or any number of scenarios in between. But it's almost over.
All I can do is pray for peace to handle whatever we're told tomorrow, for trust that what happens is what is supposed to happen, and for patience with my little ones as they try to make sense of what's going on. That and enjoy a big ole piece of cake for my birthday and spending time with my precious family- thankful for the 27 years of life that I've been given and the amazing people who have been a part of it.
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