we haven't got that kind of time

Sometimes we need to be reminded just how short our time on earth is. My devotions this morning were on that very fact, about our lives and making sure that they matter. I was working today and found a gig writing personal stories...touching stories. I contemplated this for awhile and spent some time going over the important stories in my life. There were far more than I expected. It's really quite amazing everything my life has entailed. But it got me really thinking about my Papa. Most people have that moment...that single moment when they're told they have cancer and everything changes. And he may have had that moment, but I was too young. I don't remember him being diagnosed. He lived with the cancer for 13 years. It didn't seem so terrible until I got older and the realization slowly dawned on me that the cancer might take him from me. Once that realization hit, there simply wasn't enough time. No matter how many hours I spent with him, no matter how many vacations, how many games of chess, how many long drives or tv shows curled up on the couch with a bowl of popcorn...it was never enough.
It was my first personal glimpse at the frailty of life. There just wasn't enough time. And so things that mattered to other people my age just didn't matter to me. I hated living in a girl's dorm. So much drama over this guy or that guy, who said what to who. And all I could think was, "we just haven't got that kind of time." People would argue over stupid things and see who could hurt each other worse. But to me, we didn't have that kind of time. People often tried to drag me into it, I hated every minute. I didn't have time to deal with the stupid drama. It was irrelevant. Didn't anyone get it? They were throwing around people's feelings, their relationships, like they were nothing! Didn't they see that there just wasn't time for that? There may not be tomorrow to apologize for that! Do it now! There's not enough time!
I remember on a couple of occassions in college, some girl would write to me stirring up drama because I was friends with some guy she liked. And every time I would roll my eyes and think, "sweetie, you're wasting your time...and you haven't got time to waste." what do you want said about you after you're gone...not that line that they'll feed your family at your funeral, but what they'll REALLY say about you...that people liked you...everyone liked you...that you were kind and patient...that you truely cared about other people...or that you were jealous...intimidated...rude...cold...uncaring...mean...petty...but gee you could sure run your mouth with the best of them! wow...people there's just not enough time for that!
every relationship you have on this earth...good, bad, ugly, fair, unfair is there for a reason! every one! every single person was put into your life for a reason. there's something there for you to learn. learn it! because we haven't got time for the pettiness. we haven't got time for the lies and cruelty. we haven't got time for the drama. we haven't got time to whine about the things we have to do. we haven't got time to brag about how special we are and how much everyone likes us. scripture says not to praise yourself, to let others do it. and if they aren't doing it as much as you would like, perhaps you need to reevaluate your actions and attitudes because chances are there's a reason!
we have three rules in our house. one is that we never go to sleep angry. never. we always say i love you before we fall asleep. two is that ward never leaves for work angry. if there is any problem at all, it must be solved before we go to sleep or go our separte ways. and always part with i love you. and the third is that the word "divorce" is never used in our home. ever. because it isn't an option and because life's too short for petty fights and saying things we don't mean. i know all too well that one morning you can wake up and realize that you don't have another day. time's up on that relationship. there's nothing more you can do.
every relationship has value. every relationship is important to your life whether you like it or not. and if you were wise, you'd take every opportunity (even if it means swallowing your pride...or at least chewing on it) to make sure that you've done the very best you can in every opportunity and that you have done nothing that the other person can hold against you. no wrong for which you haven't asked forgiveness. no opportunity to be a friend that you passed up. you can't just continue on living life in a moment, worried about silly, ridiculous things...we just haven't got that kind of time.

chosen

Sometimes in life we get a bit discouraged...our self-worth begins to deteriorate and we feel completely overwhelmed and even intimidated by all our obiligations and responsibilities. To us, we just seem inadequate.
But when I find myself in such a mood (not nearly so often anymore) I have learned a valuable lesson that I sit down and remind myself of.
I was chosen. I was chosen to perform the tasks that I am doing...for all my responsibilities...I was chosen. No one else.
Of course my parents did not get to pick me out of a catalog or any such thing...but they chose to have a child. They chose to love and care for that child. They chose to invest so much into my future, paying for me to go to a non-public school in high school and investing a ton of money, time and energy into my college education. They chose to teach me everything I would need to know, so that when the time came that I was chosen for other responsibilities, I would be prepared.
God also chose me in this way. Scriptures says that we do not choose God, He chooses us. In fact, he chose us before the foundation of the world. So one can assume He's had some time to think about it. He has chosen me and given me specific talents, interests and abilities. He has guided every step of my life and every decision I have made and has made me, and continues to make me, into what He desires me to be.
I was chosen to have a developer strength, an almost crippling at times sense of compassion. I was chosen to be opinionated, strong, a communicator. I was chosen notice the needs of others, usually before they can open their mouth to ask for help. I was chosen to have a strong sense of intuition...the kind that wakes you in the middle of the night and drives you to your knees in prayer for someone or somthing. I was chosen to have a thirst for knowledge and the things of God. I was chosen to have a deep love for competition. I was chosen to be born into a family with unbelieveable amounts of loyalty, devotion and love. I did not just "get" these things...I was chosen to receive them for a purpose...because God knew that I would need them all in order to do the work He has for me to accomplish.
I was chosen to receive the education that I did and all the work and responsibilities that came along with it. Not everyone gets into college...especially not traditional school...I was chosen and with that came the realization that I would have four years of hard work to do to complete my degree.
My friends chose me. Now of course I'd love to say I chose them...because then I could brag about what good taste I have. *smile* But in all honesty...they chose me. They have stayed by my side...most of them for YEARS. Many of them since grade school. They are so precious to me and I am so thankful that they have chosen me.
Ward chose me. He patiently waited for me for years. Zach said in his toast at our wedding to look at how Ward gets things. He never just goes out and buys something. He waits around and gets the very best. And that he had done the same thing looking for a wife. Now I'm not saying I'm the very best...and I'm not saying that that's what Zach even meant. But what he did mean, and what is true, is that Ward chose me. He chose to love me when it was hard. He chose to love me when we weren't even together. He chose to love and be faithful to me for years before we were dating. And when faced with a direct decision between myself and another girl...he chose me. He chose me to be his wife. He chose me to be the one he comes home to every night, to be the one he falls asleep with and the one he wakes up to, to make his meals, to be the mother of his children.
Yes, I have a lot of responsibilities, but they are all because I was chosen to do them...someone believed I was the best person for the job. And sometimes all we need is to realize that the responsibilities that we have are a reward for our character, a blessing, and an entrustment. To whom much is given, much is expected.

How Else Can I Prove I Love You?

We had an amazing service this morning at church. Pastor John preached one of those sermons where everyone ends up crying, himself included. But he really made me think and appreciate the trials in my life in a whole new way. He was preaching on God's extravegant love for us. The more you study, and read, and even attempt to grasp this love, the more amazing it is. It is absolutely unfathomable. Scripture often refers to it as a flood, and Pastor John gave us the illustration that our lives are like valleys...and there are mountains all around us and God's love is like water continually raining down on the mountains and pouring into the valley, flooding every part, even the lowest areas. And it's a continual flood, it never stops.
The more pastor talked the more things in life started to make sense. I was so overwhelmed by God's incredible love for me. J. I. Packer in his book "Knowing God" says that "everything that happens to us is an expression of God's love." This to me was an amazing concept. EVERYTHING that happens, is because of God's love for us...the good and the bad. As Pastor said, every time he asked God "why?" he received the answer "because I love you."
And that was the moment when it hit me. He's right. All this time I thought I went through hard times just to make me a stronger person, or to help someone else...but that's not all. He brought me into those situations because He loves me.
Why did I have to experience things that made me lose my trust in people? Because He loves me. Why did I have to be mistreated in a relationship? Because He loves me. Why did I go through so many health problems when I was in high school and college? Because He loves me. Why did people try to destroy my marriage? Because He loves me. Why did my best friend have to get cancer? Because He loves me. Why on earth did I have to watch my Papa die? Because He loves me. Why did I have to witness such extreme suffering? Because He loves me. Why did I have to sit through constant reminders in a required class on death right after losing him? Because He loves me. Why did some people judge me and say horrible things about me when they didn't know me? Because He loves me. Why did I have to struggle with depression? Because He loves me. Why did I have to question my faith, literally want to chuck my Bible across the room and declare it all an evil joke? Because He loves me. Why did I have to lose our first child? Because He loves me. Why did I have to deal with cruel people who rejoiced in my pain, showed no compassion, tried to make the situation as painful as possible and even implied that I was to blame for the death of our child? Because He loves me. Why did I have to endure the preterm labor, the fear that I would lose our second child as well, the physical anguish that came with it? Because He loves me. Wow.
Now how can I say that all of those terrible things were because of His love for me? Because of what I learned this morning. God WANTS us to lose control. He WANTS us to not understand. He wants us to be confused and lost and for it not to make any sense. Why? Because only then can we realize that we don't have it all figured out and we never will. Only then can we become so broken that we have no choice but to look to him. And only then does He have the opportunity to show His amazing power and love and to envelop us in a "peace that passes all understanding."
How else can He prove that He loves me? If I never see the need for His love, then the beauty of it is lost on me. If I never struggle and hurt and experience the pain of an imperfect and unjust world, then how can I ever realize the justice and perfection of God?
I'm not sure if this makes much sense to everyone reading it. It was mostly for my own benefit to write it out, because now, it makes sense to me. I'm sorry if it still doesn't make sense to you. And I pray someday it will. But I now understand that had I not gone through times of being broken, treated unfairly, hurting...then I wouldn't be able to witness the true depth of His peace, love and comfort. I can now understand that I cannot lean on my own understanding but must trust Him to always do what is best for me out of His extreme love for me.
As I came to this realization sitting in church today I could feel that flood of love. I could truely experience it in all its glory...rushing in to fill every part. I can now completely understand why I should "praise him in the storm"...because how else can He prove He loves me?

Flooding my heart...

Knowing You, Jesus. Knowing You. There is no greater thing. You're my all. You're the best. You're my joy, my righteousness. And I love you LORD.

-a favorite hymn

The last to be chosen are the first He will call...

My studies this week have been on the Israelite judges. The focus has been mostly on Samson, Deborah and Gideon. As I was studying the story of Gideon and his leadership of the Israelites against the Mideanites, I noticed an interesting part of the passage, that I guess I never really paid attention to before. I knew from having read the passage several times in the past that Gideon was from the weakest family in Israel. And he was the least of all his family. And yet God still used him. And that's a nice concept...God being able to use a weak, humble person to accomplish something great. Isn't that nice of God? But I had missed a crucial part of the story. When Gideon was working (while hiding from the Mideanites in a winepress...brave huh?) and the angel of the Lord appeared to him, the angel referred to him as "a mighty man of valor". huh? So here's this guy hiding in a winepress from Israel's enemies, he's never done anything wonderful, he's from the weakest family in all of Israel and the angel calls him a "mighty man of valor"? Why? What could he have possibly done to deserve that title. Then it hit me...nothing. He did nothing. But he was absolutely a mighty man of valor. And not because of anything he'd done...he didn't earn that title by what he did, but by who he was. God didn't care that he hadn't done anything spectacular yet in his life. He didn't care that he was considered weak by those around him. He saw Gideon for who he has and not what he'd done and he saw a mighty man whom He would use to save Israel. The comforting thing about this passage?? God does not base his view of us upon what things we've accomplished in life. He sees deep within us to who we really are and who we really can be. Developer is my top strength according to StrengthsQuest...those with the strength of developer see people almost never for what they are...but always for what they can be. They see the deep potential in people and only gain satisfaction when they see that person become all they knew they could be. After reading this passage I realized, God has amazing "developer strengths". haha. He sees us for who we are...our assets...what we can be, never for our failures or accomplishments. Personally, my developer strength is also my greatest weakness. I tend to see good in people and because that's all I see, I end up subjecting myself to a lot of unnecessary hurt, because although those people do have good within them...I can see it....they don't realize their own abilities to be all they can be...they aren't willing to change...to become the people that they can be...and so they stay in the same miserable position and in turn make those around them miserable. I'm sure God must feel the same way sometimes. He sees us all as the amazing people He created us to be, then watches us blow it on our own selfishness and inability to turn from sin and live the life He wants for us. For me, this passage of Scripture was so comforting because it doesn't matter if there are days I can't get everything done. It doesn't matter if I can't finish laundry because Kai is in the basket. ;) Or if I fail to squeeze enough accomplishments into my day to satisfy my perfectionist side. God doesn't see me for what I've accomplished anyway. He sees me for who I truely am. He sees the real me, who's just doing the best I can and seeking Him with all that is in me. What an amazing God...and what an inspiration to continue to cherish my developer strength for all the good it has done, rather than resent it for all the hurt it's caused...because in the end, the good FAR outweighs the bad. A wonderful lesson I've been blessed to learn.

the ever-changing walk...

Through the years, my walk with the Lord has changed and adapted depending on my circumstances. There have been high times and there have been valleys of course, as in any walk of faith. Some years I had group studies several times a week and Bible courses in school, so I only did personal devotions for a few minutes each morning before school. When my classes got earlier, they switched to before bed. When I was in college I no longer considered my Biblical studies courses to be an essential part of my daily walk, but yet they often complimented the studies I was doing on my own. Now I'm on my own in a way. I no longer have a group study several times a week. I'm not taking any Biblical studies courses (which by the way is quite odd for me since I've been taught scripture in a class setting since I was three years old).
So for now, I've found the best way to keep myself focused and in the Word is to set aside time three times a day. It seems to work best that way for me. I have a quick morning devotion (good for times when I'm not quite functioning yet.) This is just a quick devotional and a verse to focus on through the morning. Then after lunch, when Kai goes down for his nap, I have a slightly more in depth devotion. Usually this is topical and has a thought for the day and several passages of scripture, usually from both the old and new testament. Finally, before bed I have a more in depth study...which I really enjoy. This one is more expository and works its way through the Bible. Being able to keep myself focused and in the Word throughout the day keeps me sure that my mind and heart are in the right place, gives me plenty of opportunity to seek God's face and make sure that I'm doing what He wants me to do, to refresh myself and "refuel" so to speak...giving myself that extra boost when the day wears on, and finally, it challanges me...which is a big deal right now since I'm no longer in school. I have to be continuing to learn and challange myself or I'd go crazy. The in depth studies help me in this area, as well as conversations with my husband about what we're learning or the little details of scripture, that when read quickly, often get overlooked.
I have three separate books that I use for each time. And it never ceases to amaze me how each one seems to speak to me exactly when I need it. When I've had a rough morning, the afternoon devotion always addresses the issue I'm facing. And I've also noticed that several times, all three books...even though they are all written by different authors and using diffent passages...will focus on the exact same topic and passage at the same time. Never coincidence. So amazing.
I am amazed at the way that the Lord always gives me exactly what I need, exactly when I need it. Every day that I seek him, I find Him more captivating than the day before. People don't give God near the credit that they should. They don't fear him the way they should. I've noticed a lot recently how people love to use God so flipantly. They either joke about Him, and don't take him seriously at all...or they carry him around in this little box to "use in case of emergency". They have no idea the awesome power that they are dealing with. In my evening studies I've been studying the exodus of the Israelites. They loved God when He was giving them something good, when He was forgiving them for their stupidity...but as soon as they were forgiven, as soon as life started being good again, they immediately turned away again. Anyone who has studied the plight of the Israelites knows this was perhaps not the best mentality to have.
God demands that we follow Him, not just when it's easy, and not just when we need Him...all the time. God does not forgive you and bless you to glorify you...He does it to glorify Him. The glorification of God as the main theme of all creation has been the focus of the past few months for me. It's amazing how much your outlook on life changes when you start to see things through the mindset of glorifying God. He truely is magnificent...and worthy of glory.

A good dose of pride

"We sleep safe in our beds because rough men stand ready in the night to visit violence on those who would do us harm." - Orwell

I took my husband to work today. Just because we wanted the extra few hours together. As often happens, the F-15s were taking off as we approached the airport. Very few things captivate me with such awe as watching the F-15s play. They are amazing machines.

Again, as often happens, we heard them before we saw them. As I was scanning the sky looking for the planes I said "I wonder how nervous that must make you if you're in an enemy country...to hear them and not be able to find them." And my husband said "If you hear it, you're probably safe. By the time you hear it or see it, if you were going to be hit you would have been already."

So amazing. When we were watching an airshow last summer we were discussing how awe-inspiring it is for us to watch it without the "wet down your leg" effect it must have on our enemies. Such an awesome display of power.

We watched as three jets took off. I dropped my husband off at work and started back home just in time to see the chaser take off a few minutes later. And I started to think about the plane...and about the pilot. It has to be a serious rush to fly that thing. Besides it's awesome power, just the fact that you're responsible for a multi-million dollar aircraft in battle. It's all you.

Watching the F-15s makes me feel such an overwhelming sense of pride in my country. Then I think of the pilot and I feel an overwhelming sense of pride for our military. They are incredible. Then I think of my husband, how every hour that he's gone from me and our son, he's working to protect the lives of those pilots...and I have that same overwhelming sense of pride in him. I serve an amazing God, live in an amazing country, protected by the best military on earth and love the most amazing man I've ever known and am the mother of his child. As the song says..."that's something to be proud of."